Preparing to separate from your abusive partner

You never know when you will need to leave your home in an emergency.

• Make a note of all the emergency numbers as well as your own address for quick use when needed.
• Prepare a list of plausible excuses to leave your home with your children and pets without upsetting your partner.
• Think about a place where you can go if you need to, and how you would get there.
• Think about a place where you can stay when you first separate.
• Pack a bag with some clothes for you and your children in case you need to leave home urgently. You can leave it at your workplace or with someone you trust.

If you feel safe to do so, it may be useful to gather together all your administrative documents and any evidence of abuse before you leave.

• Store all important documents in a safe place, at your workplace, for example, or with someone you trust:
  • your identity documents and those of your children: identity card, passport
  • your immigration documents: “titre de séjour”, “récépissé”, asylum application
  • your family record book or “livret de famille”
  • your healthcare card or “carte vitale”
  • your health record book or “carnet de santé”, and those of your children
  • documents from the “Caisse d’allocations familiales (CAF)”
  • your immigration contract and certificates or “contrat d’intégration républicaine (CIR)”
  • photos of your partner’s documents: tax notices, payslips, account statement photos, employment contracts, etc.
  • evidence of any other undeclared sources of income: photos of cash, notebooks, purchases, etc.
  • proof of your partner’s assets and property or those you share with them: real estate, investments, etc.
• Gradually gather together any evidence of the abuse, because even if you don’t feel ready to file a complaint to report the abuse or request protective measures from the judge right now, you may want to do so in the future. This evidence will be essential to exercise your rights.
• Contact a lawyer or an organisation offering free services known as an “association” that specialises in supporting people who have experienced abuse. They will help you understand your rights and the steps that you can take.
• Choose an administrative address where you can receive your mail securely, known as “domiciliation”. For example, you can ask an “association” or your lawyer to allow you to use their address.

It is important to prepare for your financial independence, especially if you have experienced financial abuse. What you can do:

• open an individual bank account in your maiden name and using your new “domiciliation” address if you do not have your own individual bank account or your partner controls your access to money
• hide a sum of money that you will be able to use to cover your basic needs
• store your valuables and property in a safe place
• find out whether you can access money urgently

Even if you have asked the judge to remove your ex-partner from your home, it could take up to a week for this to happen.

You could ask the police to help you find emergency accommodation where you can spend the next few days following domestic abuse. You can also ask the police to go with you to your home so you can get your things.

There are also other solutions for finding emergency accommodation.

It is important to take certain measures to prevent the other parent from filing a complaint against you for child abduction.

• File a complaint without delay at any police station, i.e. at a “commissariat de police” or “brigade de gendarmerie”.
• It is strongly recommended that you hire a lawyer to assist you with your application for protective measures, criminal proceedings, and child custody arrangements. If your resources are too limited to pay for their services, you can apply for legal aid or “aide juridictionnelle” to cover the costs.
• Send an application to the family court judge or “Juge aux affaires familiales” via your lawyer to set the rules for your child custody arrangements, known as “modalités d’exercice de l’autorité parentale”.
• Contact your “Caisse d’Allocations Familiales (CAF)” as soon as possible to inform them of your change of situation. You can find their contact details in this directory.

It is perfectly normal to feel like you still love your partner or ex-partner. These feelings usually develop over time, and they rarely disappear at once. But they will disappear over time.

It is not normal to be controlled, dominated or live in fear of your partner. That isn’t love.

It’s hard to see it now, but with hindsight, people who leave a partner who displays controlling and abusive behaviour say that leaving them was the best decision they ever made.

It is normal to be afraid of your partner’s reaction when you leave.

A break-up can intensify the abuse because it signifies a loss of control for the abusive partner. It is therefore advisable to be well-prepared for your departure to keep yourself safe.

If you don’t feel safe, don't wait to leave with your children. Your safety is the top priority.

This fear is completely normal, especially if you have experienced financial abuse and are financially dependent on your partner. But there are solutions in France.

You can:

• access emergency funds and solutions to feed yourself and your children without having to pay
• find emergency accommodation
• receive financial assistance from the state
• receive a financial contribution from your ex-partner for you and/or for your children if you have any
• find a job
• find long-term accommodation according to your resources
• get free heathcare if you can’t afford it
• hire a lawyer even if you don't have funds.

You can consult our Money, Housing, Independence section to explore all of the options available to you.

Even if it is not easy, many studies show that in the context of domestic abuse, separation is the best solution for children in the long term.

Domestic abuse can have a significant and long term impact on children.

It is very rare in France that a parent is deprived of their rights and duties towards their children or their “autorité parentale”. In the event of very serious abuse, the perpetrator could have their “autorité parentale” withdrawn, and you would therefore have exclusive parental rights or “autorité parentale exclusive”.

The residence of the children can be either “habituelle” if they live with one parent most of the time or “alternée” if they live with each parent for an equal amount of time.

You can visit our child custody page to find out how this all works.

You can take measures to prevent them from taking your children abroad.

There are solutions in the event of international parental abduction

It is common to worry about what others will think and feel embarrassed or even ashamed. But what has happened to you is not your fault and does not reflect who you are as a person.

In recent years, there has been a rise in awareness of domestic abuse in our societies. People now understand that it can happen to anyone.

Of course, some people may still say inappropriate things, but your safety and that of your children are the only things that matter.

If you want to keep your pets with you and can’t take them to the accommodation where you’re going to stay, you can approach an SPA animal shelter near you and ask them about possible solutions.

You can also have them looked after while you find a home:

• by someone you can trust
• via a pet-sitting service (often subject to a charge).

Pack a bag to take with you the day you leave with:

• food for your pet
• any medication they take
• documents concerning your pet: any document proving that you are the owner, including a recent photo.